When God Told Me Becomes a Relationship Trap

Erica R Bell

What happens when praying over a relationship isn't God giving you confirmation, but you using spiritual language to cover up your own fear of being alone? I, I think so many of us have been there, er, sitting on the edge of the bed at two in the morning, holding our phones, asking God for a sign because we are terrified of what happens if the answer is actually no.

Ezra James i

Two in the morning. Man, that hits right in the chest. Because it's, it's never at noon when everything is fine, right? It's always in the dark when the silence gets too loud.

Erica R Bell

It really is. And we got a letter this week from a listener named Maya. She's thirty one years old, and for eighteen months, a whole year and a half, she has been in this undefined, emotionally turbulent dynamic with a worship leader named Marcus. And the reason she's stayed through eighteen months of mixed signals and chronic inconsistency is because Marcus told her, during a prayer walk, that God showed him a vision of them together.

Selah Grace

Wait a minute. Eighteen months. An eighteen month sentence handed down by a single prayer walk. You know, when a man invokes a vision from God, it, it carries this heavy weight that makes a woman feel like questioning him is actually questioning God Himself. It puts her discernment in a cage.

Ezra James i

Can I, can I speak to the male side of that, though? As a guy, I have to be honest. Men know the power of those words. Sometimes it's conscious manipulation, but honestly, a lot of times it's emotional cowardice. A guy wants the warmth, he wants the emotional intimacy and access to a woman's heart, but he doesn't want the weight of covenant responsibility. So he throws out God told me or I had a vision, and suddenly he gets all the benefits of a girlfriend without ever having to make her a wife.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

It creates a spiritual hostage situation. That's what eighteen months of a vision without a commitment is. In my therapy practice, I see this all the time. Spiritual language becomes an emotional shield against accountability. If I say God is working on me, you can't hold me accountable for hurting you today. If I say God gave me a vision, you can't ask me for a timeline.

Erica R Bell

I, I mean, I have to confess, I lived this exact scenario a few years ago. I was dating someone, and we had this incredible, intense physical chemistry. And after these long, late night phone calls, I would feel this sudden wave of relief, and I told myself, oh, that relief is the Holy Spirit approving this union. I literally mistook emotional relief and chemistry for divine confirmation. Meanwhile, I was completely ignoring how he treated waiters when he was stressed, how he snapped at his mother, how he handled money. I locked onto the feeling and called it God.

Selah Grace

That late night relief is so deceptive, Erica. Because relief just means the anxiety temporarily stopped. It doesn't mean peace was established. We confuse the absence of conflict in a moment with the presence of God in a relationship.

Selah Grace

I think where we get so caught up is in how easily we turn coincidence into confirmation. A woman hears a sermon on Sunday about radical trust, and then her inconsistent boyfriend texts her at twelve thirty four, and she looks at her clock and says, look, twelve thirty four, that's a sign, God is aligning our timestamps. We romanticize minor details because we want the story to be true so badly.

Ezra James i

Okay, but let's flip that mirror, Selah. Because men do a version of this that is just as dangerous. A lot of guys confuse a woman's quiet, non confrontational nature with spiritual alignment. A guy will look at a woman who just doesn't push back on his flakiness, who excuses his lack of leadership, and he'll say, man, she's so gentle and submissive, God brought her to me. No, brother, she's not submissive, she's just terrified of losing you so she doesn't voice her needs. You're calling her trauma response a spiritual virtue.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

That right there is the definition of spiritual bypassing. It's when we use spiritual concepts, or scripture, or church language, to sidestep raw psychological truth and basic human character evaluation. When you have goosebumps during worship while standing next to someone, that is a physiological response to music and proximity. It is not an endorsement of that person's financial secretiveness or emotional reliability.

Ezra James i

I stayed in a dynamic for two whole years, two full years, using spiritual bypassing as my foundation. I kept telling my friends, I'm just waiting on God's timing, I'm standing in prayer for us. But if I'm being totally real with you right now, my waiting on God's timing was just me avoiding the hard, uncomfortable conversation required to break up. I was scared of hurting her, I was scared of being single again, so I put God's name on my fear and called it patience.

Erica R Bell

Two years of calling fear patience. Wow. Ezra, how many of us are sitting in years of stuckness because we refuse to admit we're just afraid?

Selah Grace

It comes down to what real discernment actually feels like. Real discernment isn't this mystical, hyper dramatic treasure hunt where you're looking for angel numbers or dreams. Discernment is very quiet. It's the simple, grounded ability to observe whether a person's presence in your life consistently brings peace, clarity, and truth, or whether their presence leaves you with persistent anxiety, confusion, and emotional second guessing. If you have to talk yourself into peace every Tuesday night, that's not peace.

Erica R Bell

So if emotional goosebumps and midnight texts aren't confirmation, what does God actually say in scripture about evaluating a covenant partner? Because Galatians 5 verses 22 to 23 gives us the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. And Proverbs 3 verses 5 to 6 tells us not to lean on our own understanding.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

Let's look at how this plays out in scripture when a real search for a spouse took place. Look at Genesis 24, where Abraham's servant goes out to find a wife for Isaac. The servant didn't pray, Lord, give me a spiritual goosebump or show me a vision in the clouds. He stood by the well and he set up a behavioral test based on observable character. He prayed that the woman who would offer to water his camels would be the one. Now, watering ten camels after they had just journeyed through the desert, that wasn't a quick five minute favor. A thirsty camel drinks upwards of twenty5 gallons of water. Ten camels meant drawing hundreds of gallons of water by hand out of a deep well.

Ezra James i

Ten camels. Hundreds of gallons. That is massive physical labor and serious hospitality.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

It required extraordinary diligence, hospitality, stamina, and initiative. And what did the servant do while Rebekah was carrying those heavy jars back and forth? The scripture explicitly says in Genesis 24 verse twenty1 that the man stood gazing at her in silence to know whether the Lord had made his journey prosperous or not. He didn't jump in after she offered the first cup. He watched her finish the job. He let her character unfold completely through observable action before he said a single word about Isaac.

Ezra James i

He stayed silent while she worked. Man, that speaks so loudly to how a mature Christian man experiences God sent them. A mature man doesn't build a future on vague signs. When God aligns a man with a woman, it naturally inspires him to step up, lead with integrity, provide emotional safety, and make concrete sacrifices. He doesn't keep her hidden in the dark for eighteen months. He brings her into his community, he honours her boundaries, and he moves toward covenant with clarity.

Selah Grace

And on the woman's side, her heart often struggles with the deep ache for relational security. A woman wants so badly to feel chosen that when a guy stumbles or acts irresponsibly, she starts making spiritual excuses for him. She says, well, the enemy is attacking him, or he has a calling on his life so he's under spiritual warfare. But sweet sister, if he is rude to you, flakiness is not spiritual warfare. That is an absence of basic self control and character.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

Amen, Selah. We have to re anchor everything in 1 Corinthians 14 verse 33, which tells us clearly that God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. God will never send you a partner whose presence requires you to compromise biblical character, personal integrity, or your emotional safety. If a dynamic breeds constant confusion, you don't need to fast for forty days to know if it's God. God doesn't contradict His own written Word.

Erica R Bell

Okay, but let's get into the hard part here. How do we distinguish between a red flag that means run, and a growth area in a partner that just requires grace and patience? Because nobody is perfect, right? We all have flaws.

Dr. Naomi Ellis

That is where so many single Christians get tripped up. There is this dangerous myth in church culture that God sent you this person as your personal fix it project. People walk into marriage with little preparation and a lot of expectation, expecting that putting a ring on someone's finger or standing at an altar will magically heal deep seated emotional wounds, character flaws, or addictions. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it magnifies them by ten.

Ezra James i

It magnifies them by ten, absolutely. If he is evasive and financially secretive while you're dating, he will be evasive and financially disastrous when you share a bank account.

Selah Grace

I had to learn this the hard way. I spent over a year, twelve full months, interceding in prayer for a man who was completely emotionally unavailable to me. Every time he pulled away or went silent for days, I treated it as a call to fast and pray longer. I mistook my own exhaustion and spiritual fatigue for God instructing me to endure an unhealthy dynamic. I thought my endurance was proof of my love, but really, I was just enabling his refusal to grow.

Erica R Bell

So what is the diagnostic distinction, Naomi? How do we tell the difference between dynamic relational conflict and spiritual manipulation?

Dr. Naomi Ellis

It comes down to accountability and fruit over time. In a healthy relationship, when conflict arises, both people are capable of genuine repentance, taking responsibility, and making observable changes. You see real progress over months. In spiritual manipulation, one person uses scripture, or God told me, or respect my leadership, as a blunt instrument to silence your legitimate concerns and avoid taking accountability for their behavior. If bringing up your feelings makes you the bad guy who lacks faith, that is manipulation, not ministry.

Erica R Bell

This brings us to a moment where we need to stop and do an honest heart check. If you're listening right now and you're in a situation like Maya's, I want you to sit with four core reflection questions. Number one, does this relationship produce peace, honesty, and spiritual growth, or constant anxiety, second guessing, and walking on eggshells?

Ezra James i

Question number two, are you responding to this person's present daily character, or are you in love with a fictionalized prophecy of their future potential?

Selah Grace

Question number three, have you confused the emotional relief of simply not being alone with genuine spiritual confirmation from God?

Dr. Naomi Ellis

And question number four, if this person's character, habits, and treatment of you never changed one bit from today, would you still believe God sent them to be your lifelong covenant partner?

Erica R Bell

If those questions stir up discomfort, here are four actionable steps to move into truth. First, stop asking God for random signs and start evaluating observable character fruit over a minimum ninety day period. Watch how they treat people when things go wrong. Second, seek unbiased counsel from grounded mentors who have mature marriages and who are not romantically or emotionally invested in the outcome. Third, establish firm boundaries around emotional and physical access until commitment is established. And fourth, remember that walking away from confusion is often your first step into God's peace.

Erica R Bell

Let's pray together right now. Father, in Jesus' name, I pray for every person listening who has been trapped in confusion, waiting on a sign while suffering in silence. Give them the courage to see truth clearly, to value observable fruit over spiritualized excuses, and to break free from fear. Grant them Your peace that surpasses all understanding, and give them the strength to walk away from what is unsafe so they can receive what is holy. Amen.

Selah Grace

Amen. God's plan for your love will never require you to abandon His peace.